DUNGEONS & DRAGONS
Written by Topper Lilien and Carroll Cartwright, based on the
game by E. Gary Gygax, Dungeons & Dragons is set in
the mythical land of Ismere, where the pert young Empress Savina,
played with spectacular woodenness by American
Beauty's Thora Birch, worries about the inequity between
the empire's two social classes. It seems the mages, made up of
upper-class folks like herself, enjoy a rich, pampered lifestyle
unknown among the commoners (ruffians, elves, dwarves, and regular
smelly peasants). Though she wants to dissolve the barriers between
the two and declare equal justice for all, her councilmen, led
by the openly evil Profion (Jeremy Irons), plan to maintain superiority
by userping her all-powerful scepter. But she doesn't want to
give it up, so Profion sends his henchman Damodar (a blue-lipped
Bruce Payne, very self-conscious about his blue lips) to find
the legendary Rod of Savrille, purported to be even more powerful
than the scepter.
Enter the young, hunky Ridley (Justin Whalin) and his friend
Snails (Marlon Wayans), two common thieves who, while attempting
a burglary of the magic school, meet up with mage Marina (Zoe
McLellan) and hear about the Rod. Joined by a dwarf (Lee Arenberg)
and an elf (Kristen Wilson), they decide to forget their class
differences and work together to find the rod before Damodar,
thus saving the empress, restoring order to the land, and possibly
making a little scratch on the side.
Most of the acting is howlingly bad in this film, especially Birch, who, despite all her gold spray-painted costume accessories, can't look royal to save her soul. She is unable to deliver a line effectively, and the fact that she doesn't have that much screen time does not affect her standing as the owner of the film's worst performance. Irons, however, tries valiantly to top her for sheer putrescence; his evil villain is so over the top it's laughable, and ditto for Payne. The performances of Whalin, McLellan, and Wayans are dully standard, with Wayans regularly spouting hip, contemporary street talk that clashes violently with the 11th-century European-looking settings. There is one scene that is slightly interesting to watch, when Ridley attempts to navigate his way through the booby-trapped maze of crime lord Nilus (Richard O'Brien). Each room of the maze offers a different challenge, and O'Brien's crazed performance adds sorely needed energy to the proceedings. Of course, there are a few interesting visuals involving flying dragons and the magical, medieval countryside. But for the most part, Dungeons & Dragons will have you craving a potion that will transport you back in time to before you bought your ticket. *½